a change in pace.

So now moving on with the positive.
I had feelings about a situation and started a blog.
Blogs to me are like freedom.
I can tell all my secrets, well, not all, to a large group of people i dont know and not worry about it. and pray that no one i know finds it. :D

anyway, i started this blog for a boy.

but the problem is i should have started this blog for the right one. me. not tyler.

so i am going to write about a different boy. and his name is nigel.

hi. :D

OMGosh. I didn't tell you. :D

Im going to see lady Gaga tonight. For real.

I won't meet her of course, but at least i can say i was within a couple thousand feet of her. :D hurray

now, only if my ride would get here.

now excuse me as i go meet the second coming. :D

You are allowed to have an opinion.

Why is it that i do all the talking?

I asked you how you felt, and you lied.
So I dissagree with what you say and then are suddenly supportive of my side.

arguments happen. let them.

also, generally when people break up, they part ways.

Not in the life according to me. Oh No.


We broke up and its been three days. Three days and you are still here everynight. Three days of a mindfuck. I made out with you last night while i was drunk sitting. I don't know what to think. Meghan is right. I should be out doing and living the single life. i cant just be here with you every night.

a part of me wants to.
a part of me wishes that i had continued the relationship even though i was miserable. i'm miserable without you, or i would be if you would go away.

any way you look at it, im not sure what is going on and i havent had a second to think about it.

i just wish you could tell me your side, without wrapping it up all pretty first.

Irony

So my house of cards didn't fall down.

It ended mutually and i feel better in all the ways that i thought i would,
and shitty in all the ways i forgot i would.

Today is a day of remembrance of how i used to function,
what i used to do for fun.
What was it i did with my spare time?

What can i do with my spare time?

lets find out.

And here it is.

The moment. when you realize you don't care as much as you did.
the moment where you wish you felt more, but you dont.

yeah,

its that moment.

Suddenly it's like each moment is a frame, a Polaroid of you drunk on Schlitz dancing to fidget house techno.

Smoking the joint listening to Bedouin Soundclash

... a just a moment that should be printed on glossy paper so that way the world can look at it and admire your life.

you have the house, and the car, the friends and the relationship.
but only in photo. your real life,
you rent the room, and the car isn't yours, the friends are great, but you dont even want the relationship.

oh.
why am i high all the time?

Here's my confession... I'm not.

I only am when i need help thinking of this relationship.

It's not that i want you gone, and its i dont want the relationship.

camera flash.

print one more moment for everyone

Unsettled.

it's happening again. i dont know what is going on.
I want to be with you and i need you and then suddenly i want to vomit and cry.

every five minutes its a new song and new direction.
I look at you and think to myself, is this what i want?
is this where i want to be?

you are perfection,
you are everything.

but i dont want it.
or do i?

i dont even know what i want anymore. i dont know how i feel anymore.
every one says that i have no heart and it used to be a joke.
now it feels like a statement.

people say i am afraid of the unknown. that i havent ever had it go so well, so now that it is i dont know how to handle it.

well, honestly i feel like im drowning.
like i am asphyxiating.
emotional lows, with no emotional highs.
everything is dark.

i need you.
i hate you.

I hate me.

Beauty is only skin deep...

if you have a good carving knife.